The First 6 Months of Marriage and What It Did For Us
Trevor and I officially have 6 months of marriage under our belt.
Man, what a whirlwind it has been.
The phrase "the honeymoon phase" gets tossed around a lot when talking about a fresh marriage. That phrase has never been a favorite of mine. In fact, I believe that it can sometimes be very damaging for a relationship. If your relationship does not reflect this "honeymoon phase," you may begin to internalize the fear that your relationship is not successful. Society and the media portrays love as this glorious thing that enwraps you and you are overcome with happiness. Reality check: THAT'S NOT REAL LIFE. Marriage and relationships are HARD. You have to be willing to put in the work, fight when it gets tough and be willing to stick around. It is not easy to live with another person who has different views, routines, preferences and quirks than you. Overall, your relationship should bring you joy and happiness, but not everything will be sunshine rainbows all the time.
I don't believe Trevor and I had a "honeymoon phase" in our marriage and I even believe we hardly had one when our relationship was new. Our relationship developed so fast and so deeply that our lives became one in an instant. We became so comfortable in ourselves and in each other that it felt as if we had been together for ages. Soulmates, meeting again at last. We just settled into the life we always knew we would have again.
These past few months have been up and down. We have struggled together with anxiety, difficulty shifting into our life as ONE, and finding a somewhat routine in the ever-changing life of parenthood.
About a month or so ago, Trevor hurt his back and was practically bed ridden for a few days. It was really hard on both of us. It came at the worst timing possible in regards to Trevor's job. The store was busy preparing for a visit from their boss, so it was incredibly nerve-racking for Trevor to stay home and rest. Trevor isn't the best at relaxing and not doing anything so it took some time before he settled and was no longer going stir crazy. On my side of things, I was now the sole parent taking care of Phoebe. I was also tending to Trevor as he needed, and man, did he need something every time I sat down (lol). I was also trying to keep up with my every day responsibilities: keeping the house clean, doing my school work, cooking. I wasn't getting a mental break because I was constantly surrounded by either Trevor or Phoebe. Because we were both cooped up, we started to bicker. Throughout that time, we did manage to have some really great family moments. Even though it was rough, ultimately it was nice to have Trevor home.
I tell this story because in the moment, I was losing my mind! I needed a break and Trevor needed to get back to working and doing. It was nice to have that time together, as we never have enough family time, but it needed to come to an end fast. We were sick of being with each other every second of the day. Looking back now, I'm very thankful for that time of struggle. One day, it will be such a brief speck of time that only bettered us...it might already be.
Since then, we have reflected to grow closer, to better understand
how to thrive in similar situations. We learned how important it is for each of
us to get time away from the house, time away from each other and time away
from our baby. It is critical to make time for yourself. ~Put your oxygen mask
on first.~ We also learned how much the other person supports and helps us out.
When Trevor can take one or two of the feedings and diaper changes, I have so
much more peace in my heart. When I was doing an abundance for Trevor, he saw
how much I put into our family and he appreciated me more for it.
The need for communication has presented itself so many times since we have been married, and since we have been together. So many times we have gotten frustrated with each other because of expectations we did not make clear to the other. Over and over we have learned that it is important for us to discuss our mental plan for the coming day before we go to bed. If we do not, Trevor and I each wake up with our own agenda and it ultimately clashes, causing us to bicker. Our bickering leads us to feel as though the other person does not care about our wants and needs. The simple act of talking about what we want our day to look like, makes us a better team.
Anxiety has been showing its colors in our marriage. Trevor has been struggling with anxiety attacks, which are more present now that our life is crazy busy and our free time is dwindling. I have been struggling with the anxiety of shifting out of "new Mommy", into a balance of Mommy and Self, and juggling school with a now mobile baby. Some days are harder than others, but at the end of the day, Trevor and I sit down for dinner together and reflect on the positives. In these times where anxiety overwhelms us, communication is dire. Through the worst anxiety, we know that we are committed to our marriage. Trevor and I have each other's back. During one of our long talks, I said, "I'm on your side. I'm always going to be on your side" and I don't think either of us are ever going to forget that. Those words are simple, but it gave us a sense of wholeness.
As I talk about the not so pleasantries of marriage, I can't help think about the many days I am so thankful that I have Trevor. He is absolutely my best friend and I 100% believe we are meant to be together. I have faith that big things are going to happen as long as we are together. Our friends often say that they want to find something like us; they want to find their "Jess." It's crazy that when they think about their end goal, they think about Trevor and me. It is very flattering to hear that others want the life and the love that we have. I know for a fact that what we have is magical and incredible, but it's nowhere near perfect. I didn't know marriage would be this hard 6 months in, but reflecting on this season of our life, it has been good and it has been fun.
In the past 6 months, we have bought a house (!), took on the adventure of vlogging, invested in gym memberships, and have found a routine that benefits the whole family.
You read that right, we bought a house. It wasn't announced because escrow took so long that it all just seemed so anticlimactic. We do not plan to live here forever, but we took the step to put our money towards ownership. This is a really exciting step forward for us because we have been talking about getting into the real estate business for some time now.
I have been considering the idea of vlogging for months because I want to capture our life so we can one day look back to reminisce. Having others watch and be inspired by our life seems crazy and fulfilling to me. Our vlog is all about sharing our life in its raw form. The thing about social media that bothers me is the image of a perfect life. By sharing our life, exciting and mundane, maybe we can break down that perfect image stigma that so many media platforms have.
Another great step we have taken quite recently is investing in gym memberships. This sounds very shallow and superficial but listen to this! This step is good for us in so many ways. I am able to go to the gym, get some personal time without breaking away to tend to Phoebe. While at the gym, I am working on my physic, but I am also working on my mental health. This routine gives me a chance to listen to podcasts, reflect on myself, watch vlogs, gather ideas for my blog and our vlog, all while making sure I have the chance to shower without worrying if Phoebe is going to sleep through it or not. At the gym, my time is my own and that is SO important to have as a parent. On Trevor's end of things, he gets to spend more time with Phoebe. He also gets the chance to do the things around the house he would otherwise not have the time for. Our previous routine had been him and I working out at the same time at home, while I would break away to tend to Phoebe when she needed me. Time would pass by so much faster with this routine, leaving Trevor with not as much time to work around the house and spend time with Phoebe. Having a place to work out is so motivating for me. The routine we have doesn't work every day, which leaves us to communication!
Trevor and I are learning DAILY the things we need to be a successful self, parent and team. I am very proud of the many things we have accomplished in our 6 months of marriage and our relationship in general. We are now stronger together and as individuals. Marriage is hard, but I wouldn't want to struggle with anyone else. The good days are worth fighting for.
Trevor and I have been living together for over a year and we are just now starting to figure out how we can better each other with little things. Last night, we took the time to really look at the calendar for this month. We planned out fun days (involving vlogs!) and set aside our relaxing days. Having our plan written out give us such peace of mind. Usually, when I start to rattle off all the days during the month I would like to go to LA, Trevor begins to have anxiety because it sounds like so much time is being spent down there, without him. By setting aside time to put the plans in writing, it is easier to see what our month truly looks like. Trevor and I are now so excited about everything we have planned! Just the simple task of planning out our whole month in advance makes Trevor and I look forward to the time we have so much more. This little act helped to reduce Trevor's anxiety, gave me a sense of teamwork, and made us both feel that our wants are important.
Each day, we discover something that builds us as a team. As time goes on, we will learn new ways in which to support each other. Each difficult day gives us the opportunity to learn how to grow as a couple and as a family. Because of that, I would not trade the harder days. One of the reasons that Trevor and I thrive after a more challenging day is because we can sit down to have a heart to heart. Being able to communicate our feelings is liberating and beneficial for our marriage. Loving someone is not simple. It is messy, challenging, humbling, and so beautiful!
Trevor, you are my lobster, my soulmate, and my best friend. I hope our marriage sees many more years of adventure and prosperity.
XOXO, Jess